BLOG ARCHIVE
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Did I want to be in leadership, or did that role need to be filled? I felt inadequate. To lead. To be an example. To show my non-Christian roommates Jesus and love. To be a good friend.
The mythology and sci-fi/fantasy aspect of the show attracted me, for sure. But honestly, it wasn't that that drew me in. It was Supernatural‘s exploration of male-male relationships that drew me in so powerfully.
I've been traveling and meeting so many other likeminded gay or same-sex attracted (SSA) individuals for the past few years. In my many interactions, I've picked up on so many commonalities. I have rediscovered the age-old truth that God can take the seemingly darkest, hardest things in our lives and use them for something incredibly good.
I experience same-sex sexual attraction, which I regard as a temptation to sin. I definitely believe that all gay sex is sin, so I fight that temptation with God's help. Despite these sexual feelings for men, I just can't bring myself to say I am gay.
I begged God for forgiveness. I asked for the wisdom and guidance to uproot the idols I had placed around my life, rooted firstly in my idolization of my friend.
This Lent, I'm giving up masturbation. And I realize that might sound really wrong or off or like I clearly didn't grow up in a liturgical tradition and have no idea how this Lent thing even works. But regardless. I'm doing it. I'm not masturbating for the next few weeks. It may not quite be a "fast" by technical, theological terms. But it's a necessary refocusing.
How was I to respond to my friend's declaration? After everything that had happened in France, I felt even more confused about relationships and sexuality. My faith seemed in limbo, without much support from my summer community, so I didn't know where to put my friend in my life and understanding of faith.
One day, we finally grabbed lunch together, and I just poured out my heart to my best friend. I pleaded for him to take his relationship slowly and not to forget about me. While saying that, something just clicked in my brain. I started tearing up; right then and there, I asked my best friend to forgive me for being a jerk.
Several of our featured authors watched the film, Boy Erased. It's based on the real-life story of Garrard Conley who wrote a memoir of the same name. Boy Erased follows a young man's journey through reparative or conversion therapy, and it's also a story of a mother's and father's relationships with their gay son. It's a heavy film, and we debriefed it together in this extensive conversation.