Hey, brothers! Maybe this question has been an easier one for you all, but it’s one I’ve asked myself quite a bit. Especially during times like tonight when I wonder if I’ve experienced ANY healing.
I know that sometimes God chooses to heal physically and/or emotionally in an instant. I also know that sometimes He chooses to wait, and patience is not really my thing!
I like to think that my thoughts are organized, but for some reason whenever I open my mouth or start typing, it comes out more like spaghetti…
So, I decided to break down my current thoughts into four questions.
1. Am I really broken?
Well, this one gets a definite YES. And it doesn’t feel like “normal” sexual brokenness. I’ve definitely typed specific keywords in searches for porn. I’ve definitely fantasized about a specific gender. The way my body’s organs react to other guys kind of seals the verdict.
Why have I asked myself so many times whether I’m really attracted to men?
I know I’m constantly trying to figure out if I actually know my own self, but come on! Where’s the trust? It’s like if I ask it often enough, I might realize that I’ve been lying to myself all along!
Nah, I’m certain of it.
2. How exactly am I broken?
So, I’ve decided I definitely struggle with SSA. But I’ve learned (or am learning) that it can be dangerous to lump my brokenness into a one-word description. I mean, I also feel broken in my relationship with my dad, feelings of inferiority to other guys, difficulty overcoming bodily shame, not being content with the way God made me, and dealing with instances of verbal abuse in childhood.
Same-sex attraction may be the most obvious symptom of my brokenness, but it’s not the only one.
Complete healing may look like uncovering a series of several different changes — and not just by starting to be attracted to women!
3. Is God able to heal me?
Here’s where faith comes in. Can I possibly put all hope of redemption in the finished work of Christ? I know He forgives me for who I was, but do I believe He’s the one who is able to heal me in a real and complete physical way?
I’m convinced that God is working in me. He has already worked through my reading of His Word, through church and friends I’ve found there. He’s used books, blogs, etc.
For me, it seems healing is a very gradual process; for others, healing may be instantaneous!
God IS in the heart-changing business. I still have faith that if it is His will, He can and will heal me in ways I never could have imagined!
4. Do I even want healing?
This is THE question I ultimately find myself needing to answer. Do I really want complete healing, or am I satisfied being a lifelong “struggler”?
Is the self-pity I’ve surrounded myself with for so long too hard to leave?
If this were a life-threatening, cancerous disease and a doctor were offering me a cure, I’m pretty sure I’d muster up some desire for healing!
So, then, why is it so hard to brush off the spiritual and emotional wounds that God wants to heal?
May God give me a prodigal-like courage and desire to keep getting out of my pig sty and the strength to keep running to the Father.
May He give me more faith so that I can with the centurion proclaim: “Lord, I am not worthy to have You come under my roof. But just say the word…”
Father, You know me better than I know myself. You know the myriad of ways I’m broken. Continue to show me how I can surrender to Your plans for healing in my life. And please don’t let it be in vain, Lord. Let me be a tool used by Your hand in the many lives that need redemption. For Your glory and Yours alone. Amen.
Do you struggle with a willingness to accept God’s healing? In what areas have you found the most healing for your brokenness, and how did this supernatural healing come about?
* Photo courtesy chunwoo, Creative Commons.