Is it just me or is it common to be “gayer” when you’re tired, hungry, or … hangry? I’ve realised that I notice more cute and hot guys when I’m exhausted or haven’t eaten! Especially the latter because I’m always hungry.
I feel like I can smell the scent of the pheromones exuding from those manly, luscious beards, even miles away. And my myopic contact lensed-eyes are suddenly more cognisant of those protruding shoulders, down to perceiving every slight angular curve of those arm muscles and the muscles on top of the muscles.
Ugh. I’m hungry and I’m tired and I just want one! I want one all for myself. I want a flippin man!
This fascinating phenomenon became more apparent at a recently held event called David’s Tent — basically a huge tent propped up in the middle of nowhere England, full of non-stop worship for 72 hours, Friday to Monday.
It was an amazing experience, and it’s one of those events that has made a life-changing impact on me.
But bro … hunny … hunny bro, did it also come with its challenges and temptations.
Obviously, one cannot survive alone in a tent for 72 hours, so people camped around the area, almost making a little popup village. I tagged along with a friend and a group from his church and camped with them. They took over an area of the campsite, propped up a little marquee with camping tables, chairs, burners, cookware, and more, and all their tents cutely encircled it.
There I met Logan: this tall, hench, viking of a man with a really posh English accent and round hipster glasses. He helped set up the area whilst being humorous and making his “lad” type jokes.
I was just like … Jesus, take the wheel. Thankfully, he had a different subgroup of friends, and most of the time he went away and did his own thing with them; otherwise, he would have been a total personal distraction.
The last morning of David’s Tent, I was physically tired: a weekend of sleeplessness into the cold, wee hours of the morning, after retiring to a not so comfortable sleeping bag and waking up early to the scorching heat of the sun.
Despite my tiredness, I was invigorated spiritually. The environment was just so different from my fast-paced London life. There was no phone signal, no entertainment, and no other comforts at home or from the city.
I was also with people I didn’t know much, so I didn’t have a choice but actually to converse with God one-on-one.
The end of the weekend, I sat on the grass with eyes closed at the very back corner of the tent, meditating on all the encounters I’d had with God the last couple days: revelations of who He is, His splendour, His greatness, His goodness, and His grace. All of which I still couldn’t comprehend; I don’t think I ever will.
Then I opened my eyes, and there he was, right in front of me — Logan, with his hands raised and head held high, passionately worshipping God with all his might (and muscles).
Looking down with furrowed brows, I just shook.
I imagined myself worshipping beside him, with my arm around his broad shoulders and his around my waist. I imagined myself praying with him whilst holding hands. Crying together whilst embracing each other. And of course … on to … more … intimate things …
But it didn’t even feel like sexual lust. I just wanted intimacy. I just wanted a man. A man who will come and carry my responsibilities with me. A man who will pursue and lead me for a change, and I just go follow.
I’m tired of being the responsible one. I’m tired of being the person who always understands.
I want a man who will be there for me in everything. A man who will be excited to meet me when I come home, a man whom I’ll be excited to embrace when he comes home.
I want a man who will make me feel pursued, valued, and loved.
Why can’t I just have a man?
Then God answered me. He told me to grab my phone and open my Bible app.
I’ve always heard these kinds of stories where people open their Bibles and land on a passage that suddenly speaks to them in a striking way. I’d tried it myself before, hoping for the same dramatic revelation, but it had never “worked.”
This time was different, though. And I’m absolutely convinced God told me to do it.
I opened my Bible app and tapped my way to a random book. Amusingly, it landed on Song of Songs. I was like, Okay, I don’t know where this is going, but if I’m reading Song of Songs I might as well read it in a more passionate way.
So, I changed my Bible version to The Passion Translation (TPT).
One main thing caught my attention. Some of the text turned red, implying Jesus speaking: a dialogue between a bride and a bridegroom. It colourfully depicted each one’s intense desire for the other. It illustrated Christ’s passionate love for His bride — the Church, for me.
I just bawled my eyes out whilst reading the book. Soaking up every word as if Jesus carefully penned this love letter just for me. I thought, Maybe that’s why it’s called Song of Songs? Because it’s a song, a song above every other song. A song about God’s love for His church.
Looking at it now, reading the book again, I’ve thought that moment was actually so cheesy. And, well, so . . .
But then, I never would’ve had that big of a revelation reading that book had I not been in that setting.
Reading Song of Songs helped me add another layer of understanding to this somewhat forbidden desire that I have for a man and the desire to be desired by a man — especially when I’m hangry.
It’s because I was meant to have this desire in the first place. I was meant for Jesus.
Jesus is helping carry my burdens.
Jesus understands me.
Jesus is leading me, even through the darkest valley.
Jesus is excited to meet me when I finally come home.
Beyond Jesus, how did I forget all the personal stories and real-life experiences of intimate friendships and brotherhood that we always share on this blog?
All because of a flippin hench man.
Logan soon left the gathering. Replacing him in his spot came a group of three men, also passionately worshipping Jesus. How they worshipped together really struck my lil gay heart.
They worshipped with arms wrapped around each other — exactly one of the things I craved! God really does have a funny way of communicating to me. As the event came to a close, the guys held each other tighter and affectionately prayed for each other whilst more people joined their circle.
It was a scene of two vivid biblical metaphors right in my face: Christ and his bride, and the church being one body.
That’s when I got reminded why I’ve chosen this particular path for myself, one that’s becoming less common these days: the path of daily self-denial.
I don’t want to gnash the mirror image of Christ, the husband, and His wife, the church.
I want to reflect the image of my Creator, my Purpose-Bringer, and the one I can elatedly call … my Lover.
Jesus is, and forever will be, my ultimate lover. My pursuer. My most intimate inamorato. The man I’ll always come back running to.
Anyways, I always love a good rant. Have you ever been in a situation where you’re passionately running after God, only for a deep-rooted distraction to show up? Do you ever feel hangry? Do you view Jesus as your lover?