Once upon a time, a Google search changed the direction of my life.
A dramatic claim, perhaps, but it’s true. If I had to slice my life in two, the line would go through October 2008 — pre-Google search and post-Google search.
Alone in my bedroom at my parents’ house, I fired up my laptop and instead of searching for gay porn like all those other times, I Googled those four now pivotal words: christians struggling with homosexuality.
I hit enter, and the resulting page infused me with goosebumps and heart palpitations. Of all the places on the Internet, this 4-word Google search led me to . . . Xanga. The ancient blogging platform for angsty teens and tweens; the MySpace of the blogosphere.
What Xanga lacked in blogging authority, however, it more than made up for in community. Thanks to that Google search, I discovered a Xanga “blogring” full of Christians struggling with homosexuality.
In fact, that was the exact name of the group: “Christians Struggling With Homosexuality.” I scrolled down, and my eyes hovered over all the bloggers’ profile pictures — dozens of them.
So simple. So obvious. How had I missed this for 21 years? How had I never even considered it?
Why wouldn’t there exist other Christians struggling with homosexuality — just like me?
I clicked onto a profile, and my eyes couldn’t slow down fast enough. I read post after post, story after story I’d never before seen yet inexplicably knew in my soul.
These stories. These guys’ stories were my story, too; their deepest darkest thoughts and feelings, my own; their sacred secrets, mine also for the last two decades.
I stayed up all night reading these anonymous stories; the next day, I created my own Xanga blog. “TwoBeckonings,” I christened myself: someone torn between my homosexuality and my faith, torn between isolation and openness. Up until this point only my parents knew about my homosexuality, but now everything was about to change.
I joined that “Christians Struggling With Homosexuality” Xanga blogring and penned my first post as TwoBeckonings. I officially connected my story with the other bloggers’, and I started receiving comments from them within minutes.
Just like that, I wasn’t alone anymore. And my life hasn’t been the same since.
The Google search that led me to an online community would then lead me to a conference where I met many of these mysterious bloggers in person. They weren’t so anonymous anymore, and they became some of my dearest friends around the country, continent, and world. My new brothers.
It was all so strange, yet so very natural — as if our winding, isolating roads were meant to intersect at just the right moment.
An online community became an offline community, and from there I gained the courage to start a public blog. I started sharing my story with my church and loved ones, and in 2013 I even authored a book about my Christian struggles with homosexuality — among all my other struggles, too.
And to think, all of it started with that single Google search in 2008.
Isn’t it something how one innocuous moment can vastly alter the direction of a story?
Prior to that Google search, I was certain of my solitary struggle with homosexuality and faith; today, I have no doubts. That 4-word Google search of 2008 has produced an emphatic 4-word answer all these years later, over and over and over again:
I am not alone.
And you are not alone either, fellow struggler.
Xanga has since perished from the Internet, but our stories still have heartbeats. Together with some help from my friends, we bring you a new iteration of our old Xanga community: Your Other Brothers.
We are many, and yet we are one. We believe where two or three gather in Jesus’ name, online or otherwise, He stands with us.
This Jesus — He is the One to whom we’ve surrendered our pens. We are no longer our own, and His life is breathing new life into our stories.
We don’t have all the answers, and we’re very much still figuring stuff out. We have good days, and we have hard days, just like everyone else.
But we will have our good days and our bad days together.
We are not here to preach at you, and we are not here to prove you of anything. All we know is the inexplicable arc of our stories, and that’s why we’re here — to share them.
Yes, we are Christians struggling with homosexuality. But more than “gay” or “SSA” or any other label you could slap on us, we are brothers.
We have not chosen this struggle. We have not chosen this journey. We have not necessarily even chosen each other or this blog. But we cling to what C.S. Lewis said of spiritual friendship in The Four Loves:
Christ, who said to the disciples “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends “You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.”
My name is Tom, and many of you might already know me from my other blog or my book. But many of you probably don’t know these fellow writers I’ve called friends — brothers — for years now.
I can’t wait for you to meet them; soon you will know them as your other brothers, too. Visit our contributors page to learn more about each brother and our about page for the complete story of our wild, winding road.
Once upon a time a Google search changed my story — all of our stories — forever.
Perhaps this is the page where yours takes a similar turn?
Leave a comment below and introduce yourself! Welcome aboard.
About the Author
Great post to begin, Tom. I’ll be following this blog and looking forward to hearing from all the brothers.
I think those four words, “I am not alone,” or, “You are not alone,” are very important. Xanga was clearly a great blessing for you, and I’m sure Your Other Brothers will be one for many others.
Thank you, friend! If we can recapture even an ounce of what Xanga meant to all of us for so many years, I’ll be beyond satisfied with YOB. Great to have you along for the journey!
I notice you’ve asked for introductions.
I’m a 72 year old Catholic in eastern Massachusetts who, for reasons I consider valid, still feel the need to be closeted. Seven years ago I wrote this post about how I came to realize I was same sex attracted and what that realization did to me. http://naturgesetz-takecourage.blogspot.com/2008/11/self-awareness.html Basically, it turned the rest of high school and my college years into an unhappier time than they could have been if I had either stayed unaware or if it had been possible to be out and accepted.
Appreciate your intro! I’m sure 72 years carries with it a lot of stories. Looking forward to hearing more of your journey unfold as we share more of our own!
Tom, I enjoy your writing and am excited about the new blog. I can relate to the feelings of being alone in this struggle and then coming to realize that it’s a struggle that many share. For me, I think it was through GCN that I became aware that this wasn’t just my struggle. I look forward to getting to know the rest of the brothers here through their writing!
Glad to have you here, Dan! Appreciate all your support over the years. Can’t wait for you to know my other brothers!
[…] of YOB’s inaugural post, “Christians Struggling With Homosexuality.” Or just click over for the full […]
Heya there TMZ
Cheers for the introductory post and for providing some more cool detail about how you came to be amongst the other brothers here Mate !!!!
I’m excited to be following your guys progress here !!!!
Journey well Friend,
Kev.
Cheers to you, Kev! Excited for you to be part of our collective journey.
Hey tmz awesome start to what I can only see as becoming a great community. Can’t wait for more
Thanks Britti! Really appreciate your support and stopping by. Miss you friend!
Tom, thanks for taking initiative with all of this. We needed someone to do that and I’m so glad you had the love and courage to do it!
It’s kinda surreal to be typing this comment back to you, Marshall, after all these months of conversations and preparation. Thanks for your love and courage to jump into this, too!
Seriously Tom, I can’t get over how much your writing resonates and captivates me. Proud to be a “brother” of yours.
Likewise! The brother part and the writing part for yourself. Can’t wait for your posts to start popping up here, John!
Tom! Thanks for introducing us. I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that God can use the very thing we often have used destructively (i.e. the Internet) for good (i.e. finding our community). Hoping he continues to use it for even more incredible things as we share our stories and community with others here! I’m excited!
Oh man, I’ve thought about that so many times: the dark side and the light side of the Internet. It’s crazy indeed how what was meant for evil can be used for such undeniable good. So blessed by you these last few years, Noah. I’m excited as well!
Indeed, we are no longer our own, but we are Christ’s, and we are His together. I’m grateful to be on this journey with you, knowing that we have one common, ultimate goal: to be like the One who became like us first to win us to Him. What a glorious defeat of us both.
There’s nothing like walking the same long road alongside those with a common vision. Grateful to be walking this road with you, Kevin!
[…] this week, I told the story of a Google search that led to an anonymous blogging brotherhood of same-sex attracted Christians. Today I thought […]
My name is James and I’m following from Australia. I want to thank you guys for starting this blog and for being so open and honest about your experiences! I think what you all are doing here is so important! I look forward to reading more!
I’m so glad to have found this site and so looking forward to sharing stories. I have had the hardest 4 years of my life since coming out, but also the most amazing 4 years, and sites like this are so badly needed to help Christians struggling with homosexuality. Thank you for setting it up. Bless you, Tom, and all the other bros. I keep wanting to call you “Mark” and I see it is your second name. Looking forward to getting to know many of you here.
I don’t mind being called Mark! Or Thomas Mark, or Thomas, or Tom, or Tommy, or Traveling Golden Trout. I quite enjoy my many names. Glad to have you here, Jeremy! Honored to share our stories here in the same space.
It is such a blessing to live in a time with computers and the internet and support groups. All of this wouldn’t have been possible anytime longer than 20 years ago and yet, like you, it has had a huge impact on my life. I’m so thankful God has allowed me to live and deal with attractions for men now and not 50 years ago and in countries where prosperity allows all the latest communication devices.
True that!
Hey Tom,
I’m looking forward to seeing what you all do with this site. It’s very encouraging that this voice is emerging.
I’m wondering, though, what the ultimate goal is. You say you want to create a new “storytelling community.” What’s the point, exactly? Is it so we can all feel happy that there are others with the same problems? So we can feel “together”?
You have a great opportunity here, but I’m wondering whether or not striving for “togetherness” and “storytelling” is enough to (1) sustain this site long-term and (2) help people overcome their sin and despondence and become like Christ. Are these goals of yours, or should we look elsewhere for that?
“We are not here to preach at you, and we are not here to prove you of anything.” I would very much appreciate a community, though, that DOES preach Christ to me, that DOES try to prove “the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” Is this something I should expect to find here?
Hey there, Alyosha. Thanks for commenting. Good thoughts here. I would say our first goal is indeed to foster a spirit of togetherness. That was the biggest draw to our Xanga community of old, the fact that I could post a blog there or read someone else’s and know in my bones I’m not alone. We all love to write and tell stories, so it’s only natural that that be our starting point for YOB. Among the dozen of us currently blogging here, I’m certain we’ll have more than enough bounty of stories to sustain our site for years.
I’d say our “preaching” will be less of a scholarly structured sermon format and more of a free-flowing storytelling one. There’s value and worth, of course, in sound sermon-preaching, but that’s not our strong suit and won’t be our go-to communication method here at YOB. Of course we hope our readers, along with us authors, overcome our sin struggles and become more like Christ. We’re hopeful the Spirit can and will use this new community to do that. He’s been renewing us since our Xanga days a decade ago, and we’re confident He’ll continue moving in this bizarre little community that we’re confident could have only come from Him.
We are many authors here, and so naturally diverse writing styles will emerge. On the whole, though, we’re all about revealing Christ’s power in our stories. Hope that clears some things up!
Thanks Tom!
Story telling reaches people in a way that factual information never does. The Bible has both kinds of literature, but I am most moved emotionally by the stories that are told. When I started reading about unwanted SSA, I appreciated the articles and the info I found, but it was the stories that inspired hope in me that change was possible and that I could live consistently with my faith in Christ.
[…] I first directed Garth to my friend’s blog and book — he’s a Christian who struggles with SSA and has chronicled his journey. I then mentioned that this same friend might even be putting together a blog with other Christian men walking similar journeys. I told Garth to be on the lookout as this blog would be launching soon (spoiler: it now has). […]
[…] About page: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/about/ Our first post: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/2015/11/30/christians-struggling-homosexuality/ Tom’s posts: https://www.yourotherbrothers.com/author/tom/ Elliott’s […]
Listened to your first YOB podcast. Of course I am already a follower to YOB blogs. Love you guys. Yeah!
I’m older than most of you youngens (60), but appreciate the voice you have for Christ followers who have struggles with SSA. The details vary a lot, but underneath our stories are pretty similar.
BTW, I think “YOB” is pronounced “Why-Oh-Bee” like Kevin does. I am OK with yob (rhymes with Job–guy in the Bible) or even with yob (rhymes with job as in work you do), but think that Tom is a bit zooie with yov (rhymes with cove) or yov (rhymes with mauve) unless you are really hung up on foreign spellings.
I’m a bit older, so I’m working through how to subscribe to the podcasts (separate from the blog, right?) and how to add comments. I have a PC and an iPad, so think I can get the app for iProducts and subscribe. Will work on it. I want you guys to be successful and…
Yes, there are a lot of guys out there that might be searching for “Christians struggling with homosexuality” who need to know that they are not alone and there are some real options for SSA men other than Gay Affirmative Therapy.
Thanks for being authentic! Alan
Thank you Tom for that testimony. I hope one day to have the courage to share mine as well. I’m Frankie age 33, from a small town in north Mississippi and have been struggling with homosexuality for over 10 years. I gave my life back to Christ a few years ago and I have had victories but I’ve also has a lot of battle losses. I keep thinking that maybe I can try again and it will work out but in the end I lose and feel a million times worse. I think it’s probably worse that I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about my struggle due to lack of understanding I just honestly feel like in gonna be looked at like I’m a freem or pervert. And like you I googled those words as well and here I am going out on a limb
Glad you found us via your own Google search, Frankie! Isn’t the Internet crazy? We’re glad to have you, and we hope our stories help you feel a little less alone in your own journey. Hope to see more of your own story unfold in the comments sections, too. Much love, brother!
Thanks brother! I definitely look forward to reading all of yalls stories and get more involved
As I said in another post, I am thrilled to have found YOB…having first heard of it from an article at The Christian Post. You have no idea…and it is really true…how blessed I have been to read the many posts and I appreciate all your efforts and labor of love and service to other brothers and sisters who now know they are not alone in this journey of life.
I grew up in New York State but recently moved to South Carolina…a big change that has taken a lot of adjustments. I am still a work in progress in many ways, but am reminded to run the race of life with patience, looking unto Jesus…
Hi my name is Daniel, I am 19 and I just happened to find this tonight of all nights. I am depressed, lonely and tired of fighting this seemingly endless battle. I’ve dealt with homosexuality since I was 6. I’m a pastors kid who is at Christian college doing what I love most but my dreams seem to be fading. I want to give up so bad and no one knows. I am at this cross road so between God and gay.
Hey Daniel, it’s good you found your way here. Here you’ll find you’re not alone either with God or with others. Read some of the posts and you’ll see the battle is normal, and the road you’re on is where you’ll find Christ is most real to you. You’ll be at that crossroad a lot, don’t give up Daniel. And when you fail, you’ll find that real thing that God has done in you is still true. I think guys here would agree that despite the loneliness and struggle and pain, Jesus is worth all of it and more.
Daniel. Welcome. We hope you find hope in our stories and the assurance that you are not alone. I saw your email and will respond to it shortly. In the meantime, make yourself at home with YOB. Read our blogs, listen to our podcasts, watch our videos, and know that we’re right there with you. Much love to you, my brother.
Welcome aboard Daniel. You are fortunate to find this online community here at YOB. I too was trying to find people like myself who struggled with SSA and by dumb luck I stumbled upon one of Kevin’s postings leading me here. I can relate to your feelings as I found college to be quite an isolating experience myself. As mentioned, feel free to explore YOB’s resources. You’re among fellow brothers.
Hey brotha,
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve struggled as well with SSA since the age of 9 or so.. I realized it was going to be an issue & I swore I would never talk about it & take it to the grave. I’ve been getting help with this area I’m seeing a Christian counselor which is helping. I want to applaud you for reaching out as I understand it’s not an easy thing to do. This is definitely a step in the right direction I know what it’s like to bottle up all the feelings inside & feel so alone in the struggle. I myself dealt with it by medicating with drugs & alcohols. So reaching out & talking about it before it gets to that point is great. If you would like to talk further & share a bit of your story I’m here for you brotha. We’re all in this together on this journey.
Hi Daniel, I’ve been there many times. So tired of the struggle. But there is a community of love, support here. We understand, and accept you.
If you want to talk more I would be happy to chat. 🙂 We can trade stories. Reply with your info and I’ll connect with you on Facebook. Josh
I’m a PK but much older, Daniel. I’m here for you. The battle can be so incredibly hard, but God is not dismayed by our weakness. He is nothing like the false god I learned about in Sunday School. What are your dreams that seem to be fading?
Hey Daniel. I barely have begun to discover this site, but we have very similar stories. I would love to connect and build a friendship if at all possible.
This week’s been tough. SSA’s a hard struggle when you feel like you’re on the losing side of it. I hate when Jesus and SSA seem equal in my heart. This morning found this quote I had left in an old JB Phillips New Testament, it’s from someone named Ed Silvoso, “A spiritual stronghold is a mindset impregnated with hopelessness that causes us to accept as unchangeable situations that we know are contrary to the will of God.” It’s a couple of days to another new year and while the struggle’s gonna be there, it’s not hopeless, not as long as Jesus has a say in my life. . . that being free starts with never losing hope.
You guys are my brothers, we share this deal and a common fight, and we talk about stuff here that usually doesn’t get talked about. This online thing has its limits but it encourages me knowing you guys face the struggle with hope. Noted with the quote was James 4:7-10, which in the JBP is: “Be humble then before God. but resist the devil and you’ll find he’ll run away from you. Come close to God and he will come close to you. Realize that you have sinned and get your hands clean again. Realize that you have been disloyal and get your hearts made true once more.” Nothing about this life is unchangeable in Christ. Y’all have a great 2017.
Very tough week here too, bluzhawk. I pray that today you will be able to carry out what James is saying. May Christ be your champion in 2017.
Oh man, life seems to suck at the worst possible moment. But it doesn’t really. It’s just my pride that gets me thinking I should be past things I’ve faced before. This deal with SSA is a struggle but I’m thinking it’s hard & real because we have to face it and become different people, spiritually more so than in attractions. That the overcoming is in us, not just a checkpoint on the journey. Thanks for the prayers, mi. One of the things that made this place closer for me is, when reading posts and comments, I’ve noticed I’ve started praying for guys more. Keep well brother.
Thanks! I pray about this place A LOT. It is important. I read something here today or maybe yesterday that broke my heart. My wife and I were driving all of the county today, and we must have stopped at least 6 times to pray about it.
That’s awesome that you and your wife do that. It makes a difference.
Hai I am Jerrin, got really sad on thinking about my homosexual attraction and it still goes on, is anyone there to help.me out from it, please .
My mail id : jerrinmathewphilip@gmail.com
Hey there, Jerrin. Thanks for commenting here. Glad to have you with us! I encourage you to read our other posts and comment with bits of your lifestory as you feel comfortable and led. That’s the best way to get connected here and be part of the story. Looking forward to journeying with you, brother.
Hey guys, I’m Brandon and I am 21. I found this whole community last night and wasn’t sure if I should comment on anything or not. So I just decided why not try? There are only a few people who know that SSA is something that I have struggled with throughout my life, and its cool to know that I am not alone. For so long I had not idea what my identity was and tried to find love and acceptance in so many places. When I came to really understand my identity is a son of God, that changed everything and the enemy no longer had a hold on me in my identity. That’s not to say that I don’t still struggle from SSA and stuff, but I know that God has something better for me and He has put a desire in me to get married to a beautiful woman one day and become missionaries. The posts on here have been so encouraging to me and its cool to be apart.
Hey Brandon! Thanks for being bold and commenting. I’m glad you found us however you did, and I’m glad you’re encouraged by our stories. You are certainly not alone. I hope you’ll continue reading and commenting and sharing more of your story with us. Be blessed, brother!
Hi everyone my name is Alex Cochell. I am 20 years old and I have struggled with homosexuality as far back as I can remember so like 5. This blog really spoke to me and I’m so glad I found this page. I have told many people about my struggle but not family. I still struggle with this a lot but I know God is bigger and stronger than my desires and He gets all the glory in the end. I love Jesus and give everything to him. Unfortunately though I still make mistakes. I have been praying and hoping for other guys to find in the same situation as myself. I look forward to getting to know some of you as I read through all of the blogs and listen to all of the podcasts hopefully. We will see because there’s a lot, but I love hearing people’s stories.
Welcome Alex! You don’t have to face this alone, and yes, God is much bigger.
Great to have you with us, Alex! Thanks for stepping out in the comments. Yes, you have a lot of homework to do here from our past two years of existence. But I hope you enjoy the stories and resonate with many of them. To the journey!
Thanks Thomas
Hey Tom! I hope you’re doing well. I found this site a few months ago and have read many of the blog posts. I find them uplifting and encouraging and I can identify with a number of them. I just want to say that I think it’s great what all of you are doing telling your stories. There are just too many people out there going through pain and struggling alone not knowing where to turn. I fear that this is true especially when it comes to the topic of SSA. A site like this creates a beacon of hope in that it defies the notion that people have to struggle alone. It gives people a safe place to share and grow with each other all the time pointing each individual to the love and hope found in Christ. I encourage you to keep up the good work! You and all the other brothers are doing something that I am sure provides a blessing to many people.
Hey there, Tim. Thanks for this encouragement. Means a lot. I hope you’ll continue to comment here and share some of your own story with us! Would be awesome to journey with you.
Hi. My name is Michael. I wasn’t really sure where to post here or the best way to interact with others since I’m not familiar with how this blog works. I also felt a little bit uncomfortable posting publicly but here is goes. I can definitely relate to a lot that was said. I am 26 now and have struggled with SSA since I can remember. I have had a difficult time working through it as I have just always been told it is a sin to act out on it. That’s hard when you’re struggling with what you’re told is a sin and nothing more is discussed about it. When I opened up to my parents in high school and college, it was simply seen as something that needed to be fixed and changed. Not much comfort or understand comes out of that. Though it hurt, I know they were only trying to do what they thought was best or knew how to do. These past two years have been really difficult as I graduated from college a few years ago and am living on my own. I have made many mistakes in the last few years but at the same time been learning a lot and growing in my understanding of the importance of a relationship with Christ. I was asked in January to leave my church because of my living situation. That was very hard and I don’t believe the church knew how to handle homosexuality or those who struggle with SSA. While many people didn’t know how to respond to my story or handle it, I was around those people a lot and involved in the church. It definitely caused pain and loss of community. It has been difficult trying to find community now and will continue to be more difficult when I move out on my own in the fall. However, I know it will be a wise choice as I am in a better space to be able to work on my identity in Christ and other personal issues. I definitely long to build community and even more community with others who can relate to me and desire to walk with Jesus as I do deep down. I don’t know what it looks like here but I hope something comes of it.
Most of us are in the same situation. Maybe this space is not the the one that changes people from SSA to osa, but at least we can share our struggles and nobody will judge like most of the church goers do. Here we are all in the same boat.
God bless you.
Thanks for the encouragement George. Yeah, I can’t say whether God will change anyone or not. This may likely be something we struggle with for the rest of our lives. However, having a space where others with the same struggle are seeking to follow Jesus can be so powerful.
Welcome Michael! This is a pretty healthy community. There is a FB site where it is easier to interact and find support as well. I pray your time here is helpful and helps you in that identity work.
Thanks. I hope so too. How do I find the Facebook page?
First off, welcome to the YOB blog. Please feel free to take it all in at your own pace.
You should find it here: https://m.facebook.com/yourotherbros/?tsid=0.2927395851364827&source=result
There is also a YOB Instagram, a YOB Twitter and a secret Patreon Facebook group. Sounds like a lot, huh? YOB has grown quite a bit since over a year and half ago. Once again take your time. No rush.
Thanks Eddie. I guess my anxiety feels sorta high posting publicly. That does sound like a lot but I sure could use the community so I’d love to dive in. What is the secret Patreon Facebook group?
The secret Patreon group is a select group of SSA guys (girls can join too) on Facebook who contribute $5 (or more) a month to YOB for its overall maintenance and operations. YOB provides a secret Facebook group so we can partake in an online community and exchange photos, prayer requests, comments, etc. Strictly voluntary. Plus there are also the YOB podcasts.
That’s really cool. I think its cool too that they all contribute together financially to support the group in that way. Maybe that will be a space for me down the road.
In the meantime, feel free to peruse the blog and/or listen to the available podcasts.
Thanks Eddie. I’ve been reading your comments on a lot of different posts and appreciate your insight. I can say the same for a lot of different people here. I feel like I can relate quite a bit.
Send Tom a private message, and he will tell you about it.
Glad you found us, Michael! We’re glad to have you aboard. Looking forward to seeing some of your own story unfold here with us. I can relate with your difficult loss and search for community. Definitely. You aren’t alone, brother.
Thanks Tom. Fear can be paralyzing for sure. I really hope I get to know you all and find community in this place!
Hi, everyone. My name is Dean Bailey, and I found the YOB community in late July 2017, by clicking on a link within a Twitter posting. A woman I follow on Twitter, named Suzan (herself a Christian sister who walked away from lesbianism), had posted a link to a YOB article with a title that caught my eye. So I linked to it and began reading…
I was instantly hooked by the open and vulnerable authenticity that I sensed within the community of brothers (and at least one sister) here. So I immediately committed to became a Patron, too (I also know a “good thing” when I see it!)
Twitter is really the only “social media” platform that I use anymore, though I am very politically active on Disqus as well, in commenting on news articles. I had a Facebook account at one time, but I deleted it when the “community” I so often encountered there became more of an angst to me, than a benefit. So, unfortunately, I haven’t been a part of the private YOB Facebook community that exists for Patron supporters of the YOB community. But otherwise, I’ve jumped in with both feet. This isn’t even my first posting here! But I’ll use this one for my proper introduction.
As for a short Bio, I became a follower of Jesus Christ when I was 19 years old, in Chiemsee, Germany, while I was away serving out my first active-duty commitment with the United States Army, in their Military Police Corps. I met my wife in church, and we’ve been married for 26 years as of last December. We have two beautiful daughters together, and currently reside in central Texas. All three of them know my “story” of SSA issues, and of my struggles with homosexual behaviors. I’m a “little” older than most of the guys here, today… 53 until my birthday, next February. I’ve been a military soldier, a military chopper pilot, a civilian police officer, a published Christian author, and now am a locomotive electrician… to mention a few among the other less significant occupations I’ve also dabbled in, over the years.
My book is a self-help accounting of my own testimony, and it’s title is
Beyond the Shades of Gray
Here’s a link to the free, online manuscript version:
http://www.beyondtheshadesofgray.org
and for the published version itself:
http://www.westbowpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.aspx?bookid=SKU-000509721
I’ve also been featured in a couple of video productions by Pure Passion TV and Ministry. Here’s a link to the original episode:
https://youtu.be/koVf-Q9yFRA
I look forward to participating in the discussions here at YOB, and even more to getting to know some of my other brothers here, as time goes on. I am always open to personal questions about my testimony and struggles, though I humbly admit that my own maturing process in all of that seems to be a life-long journey. So I don’t have all the answers yet, either. But isn’t it awesome to be able to have a community where we can all search and share in that journey, together!
Much love in Christ, to all of you!
Dean
[…] spending 21+ years convinced of being the only Christian who ever lived with homosexual thoughts, I typed a Google search that would unknowingly change the next decade of my […]
[…] couple weeks ago I introduced you to our new blogging community, along with my 2008 self who first started blogging anonymously about his sexuality. But as for […]
[…] To learn more of our origin story, check out our About page and first-ever blog post, “Christians Struggling With Homosexuality.” […]
Hello everyone (I guess I’m a little late to this). My name is Micah and I am 17 years old, and this is the first time I’ve openly spoken about this. Aftering hitting one of my lowest lows last night, I found this blog (at 3 in the morning), and it has really touched on what I’ve been struggling with. I’ve struggled with homosexuality since junior high, not really understanding what it meant but knowing that I had unnatural feelings towards men. Every year since freshman year of high school, I have struggled with what seems like an addiction to this lifestyle and the feelings I get. Having grown up in a Christian school and still having Christian friends in high school, I have been too embarrassed to get help or ask for prayer from them. Many of my friends seek spiritual advice from me, so I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite. I’ve often fallen into depression, where there seems like there isn’t a light at the end. I often doubt my faith every time I fall back into sin. I look at porn, masturbate, pray for forgiveness, and repeat. I feel so hypocritical, but I can’t seem to break this endless cycle. One thing that I do need is accountability and prayer. Finding this blog is a blessing and is exactly what I have been looking for.
Welcome, Micah! Glad you found us, brother. Thanks for sharing some of your story with us. You’re definitely not alone on a lot of fronts: growing up in Christian school, feelings of addiction, feelings of shame, etc. I hope this place can be a refuge for you as you process your own journey and live it out. I’m glad we can meet you at this juncture. Feel free to continue to comment as you feel led or able. Much love and prayers for you in this new year!
Micah, many prayers and blessings to you in opening up. My junior high and early high school years were fraught with all kinds of confusion. So, what you are going through sounds familiar. Know that we have a great and loving Savior, and vulnerability is the first step toward overcoming. Praying for you.
[…] seriously, what a year it’s been since our first post. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve started a podcast, we’ve hit the […]
I found “Yourotherbrothers”, too, by providential accident. I need to hear these stories. For some reason, I need to tell my stories for the first time ever. I have feasted on these blogs now for several days and they have given me insight I have never had, answers to my questions, and amazing encouragement! I have cried through many of them because they went right to my heart—that is what I have felt for so long. I have posted so many times. It has brought me life. I am absolutely amazed at the courage of the men on this site—much younger men than me. Would things be different for me if I had finally told someone, anyone, my huge secret early on in my life? I’ll never know. I’m just grateful to God that He has given me some time before I die to maybe get some answers to my SSA. Finally!
Thanks for being here, Michael! Glad God led you to us. So glad you’re being encouraged by our stories. Blessings for the continuing journey ahead!
Hi to all. I knew Thom from Facebook. Before YOB. However I find YOB via suggested video in YouTube I think. For me the most contribution of this page in my life, is to see that others feel the same regarding different issues of life with ssa. I calms me to see that I’m not struggling alone. That I’m not unique in my reactions to different issues and that I can identify with my fellow bros. That alone give me oxygen to keep going. Amazing feeling of knowing that someone somewhere, understand your life journey. Thanks to all the bloggers that have the courage to put their stories.on the line of fire in order to help others.
So glad you found us, Vic! The oxygen metaphor is one I deeply resonate with. Also, I love that you spelled my name “Thom.” Stellar.
Lol
Ah Xanga. That was the only blogging platform I used. I am in my mid-thirties and live close to the gulf coast. I have been attracted to guys since puberty. I have long fought this attraction, claiming it sinful. Not wanting to admit to myself that I really do like men and thinking my attractions would just fade away. Thanks to christian counseling, I have begun to be honest to myself and come to realize this attraction is not sinful. I constantly battle taking my attraction a step further into lustful thoughts. I just listened to the yobcast intimacy episodes and perhaps if i had that sort of intimacy with guys, my burden wouldnt be so heavy.
I have always connected with girls/women more than guys.
I have been afraid to be vulnerable with men and felt awkward around men because I don’t share any interest in sports and don’t partake in how hot women are. I am also terrified that spending any amount of time with guys would reveal that i am very different than typical straight guys and they would give me a non-straight label of some sort. I cannot tell you how many opportunities have been missed out of terror and fear.
The words “We have not chosen this struggle. We have not chosen this journey.” popped out at me. Navigating my walk in faith with SSA really has been my greatest struggle.
Thanks for introducing yourself, slicer! Wicked name. Great to meet another fellow former Xangan! Indeed we haven’t necessarily chosen these stories…but God provides. Slowly. Very slowly. And yet also surely. I hope you stick around with us!
I got to be honest here, I find it really hard to trust people in general, because of who I am. However I trust in God. Your blog moves me and give me hope. I know Jesus and he knows me, but I am missing a big part of my life; That big part is brotherhood, that big part is friends who struggle like me.
I can’t trust myself around anyone especially men and I don’t have to be attracted to them either. Although I do have struggles in homosexuality I do not act on them physically, but mentally is a problem. I am married with a wife and a son. I believe in building trust on relationship so my wife is the only one that knows about me. She doesn’t understand and I don’t either so we are both struggling with this sickness or curse.
At times I wished that I never told her, but we where engaged and I trust her and after 8 years I still do, but she can’t help me and it brakes her heart and it breaks mine. I don’t have anyone to talk to I am truly alone.
My biggest issue is trying to fit in anywhere. I am sure my story is similar to a few others who may have some brotherly advice and maybe some ideas to help me live without fear and all about God, which is why I am reaching out for help.
My name is Donald and I am 37 and I am a homosexual struggling Christian. I am your lost brother who is reaching out for help.
Welcome to the fold, Donald! So glad you found us, however you did. You certainly aren’t alone: as a man, as a man attracted to men, as a married man attracted to men, and so on, and so on, whatever other categories and sub-categories you can think of. I hope you find some sense of belonging with us and in our stories!
mine is not so nice i do you know any other sites i have been Christian in some form since i was a kid and gay as well my story is not at all nice i had a identy crisis and was molested at some point between 1 and 2 of school i know because i prayed and did reveal it the crisis is still a blank i became a born again 77 came back 78 then lasted to 1983 and soon after gay churchs that back to normal churchs and i spent when iam involved in a church i don’t leave its just some had to do with rides and ending of rides most of my life has been poor i not only went through that but ptsd nightmares sexual addiction mostly by my hand and porno in all forms i am a one man man except when the devil tries to get me to go out and be a whore which i don’t just by myself but its getting worse i had relationships but never real good ones and i hate being alone i have done counselling but not alway good the devil is alive and well but god i don’t understand sometimes it seems like he doesn’t do anything even to help but knowing god word and reading somehow i think its me not god but its so hard to hear him when i hear him it is alway somthing i argue with no i am saying i want to argue with god its these situations where is one way and hes letting me know its changing but i think i making it up or thing somthing stupid like my mom and where shes at now it changed and feltblike a set up so he was letting me know it was going to happen another one was a church where i. had put in right away in this program i wanted to be part of and it was to let me know they were not going to let me in it and they know i wanted it and made myself voundable for it and i kept on hopeing sure a nuff no and gave me other choices of things i could do this was an attack but i sure why yet it hurt real bad but i now what going to share is unbelievable because we really don’t beieve in the devil 13 yrs ago i did somthing wrong somethings more followed the thing i didn’t mention i am hiv+ for 20 so yrs so i am in all kind of services city state county will what happened 13 yrs ago hit them all so i have people who have been attacking me in them for that long it start with a job in low income housing and medical they have enough power and situations to make a lot of it happen thing can happen and theres no way to prove it like say if someone is operating and they can make the scar worse than needs to be etc. most people oh know your just going crazy theses things with my own eyes ? If you believe in prayer pray for god to move out of here theses people are only blaming me for what happened not them selfs i don’t have anyone to turn to except pro bono lawyers and you have be prepared for anything to happen
Tom that’s my brother from the same mother, although he goes by Thomas. Any way thank you for your story / blog , I am listening to YCO45 self-care, I have listened to all of 2023s’ podcast and started to listen to podcast starting with YCO40 which was as far back as I can go and I can say there are so many things I can relate from the podcasts I have listened to so far, there is so much I can comment from everything I’ve heard and read.
I have struggled as a Christian man with SSA for 16+ years, as a married man for 10+ years and I just now found you’ll, I’m grateful for YOB, looking forward to getting to know my brothers through podcast and blog now
Thanks for the love, David! I go by Tom or Thomas, depending on the outlet. Grateful for your listenership and support! You’re welcome here with us.