I’ve written about my childhood fascination with nudity and how it led me into the nudist world, making me act out my sexual insecurities. I’d go even deeper into the world of nudism, thinking it’d be the solution to my problems. While I did have a strongly sexual fascination with male nudity, I figured it was a conundrum.
What if I did partake in male nudity in a non-sexual setting? What if I could make my nudist desires feel more normal and less of a sexual fantasy?
I figured partaking in mutual nudity with other men as much as possible would probably work out my temptations for sexual sin, lessening over time.
Several years ago, I joined a gym and took personal training lessons to get my body into shape. I’d hoped I could try out some locker room nudity and make it feel more normal. Much to my dismay, I found out that most men, especially young men, will never use the showers at the gym and just wait until they get home. Most of the men who did shower were wrinkled, droopy, old guys.
I’ve noticed this is a more modern attitude as nudity among men has been stigmatized as something homoerotic to be avoided. The older men still get naked and waltz around the locker room in their birthday suits because they come from a time when male nudity was normal.
This locker room revelation disappointed me, and I figured the only way I could experience mutual nudity was by connecting with other nudists.
I found a nudist website, and it seemed perfect. I created my own profile and began chatting with other nudist men my age. I always talked to guys who listed themselves as “straight,” as I couldn’t risk a guy who might objectify me or turn our relationship into something I wouldn’t want.
Unfortunately, I could never find any guys my age in the area; still, I’d spend hours chatting with naked guys across the country. Eventually, I worked up the nerve to Skype with a guy from the site, and I thought I would start off clothed when we started.
There he was, though, on cam: stark naked and very attractive.
We started off talking about normal things like what we did in our lives; at first, it seemed great. Eventually, I relented and got naked with him on cam — an extreme rush.
The other naked guy then adjusted the cam downward and preceded to touch himself.
I couldn’t move. I wanted to turn off Skype and end it right there, but I couldn’t stop watching.
Finally, I spoke up and said, “You’re not doing this just to get off, are you?”
He sat up and looked at me through the cam, suddenly worried. “Did I freak you out?”
“Um . . . kind of,” I stammered.
“Ooohhhhhh, I did freak you out. I’m sorry . . .”
To his credit, he did seem genuinely sorry. We ended our chat there but picked up another chat later.
This time, he touched himself and I followed suit. Thus began a long cycle of many other “cam sessions” to come.
I found out that just about every “straight” nudist man wanted to jerk off on cam to the point that I realized most of them were either lying or in complete denial about their sexualities . . . myself included.
I had listed myself as “straight” to avoid any creeps or promiscuous gay men, but even that didn’t work. While I talked to a few decent guys on that site, most just wanted to masturbate on cam.
They didn’t want to be intimate, know me, or share any vulnerabilities apart from the physical. All they wanted was to see my junk, get off, and move on.
I feel sad thinking of these men. Deep down, these nudists wanted to be loved in their most vulnerable states. They thought they had to be sexual to get any sort of attention or love — a futile attempt. I could tell some did want to connect with me as friends but thought sexually was the only way to do that.
I didn’t want this to keep happening. I just wanted a straight guy to accept me and love me in my most vulnerable state.
But in my “real life” I kept striking out with friendships left and right. Leaving me no other choice but the nudist sites, repeating the process all over again.
I persisted, hoping to find that one awesome guy who wouldn’t be a creep, accepting me in all my vulnerability. But it was only when I got a temporary job in a different city full of nudists and nude resorts that I’d get a taste of my desires in person.
To be continued . . .
Have you ever attempted to normalize nudity in places like the locker room? Have male nudity experiences helped or hindered you? Have you also sought out “vulnerability” and “connection” through a webcam? How has that resolved — or not? Share your appropriately edited stories below.
* Photo courtesy paulpker121, Creative Commons.